"It's cancer

“It’s cancer.” 

Stop. 

Imagine you’re sitting in a cold doctor’s office and you've just heard those two words.  How do you feel?  Scared?  Confused?  Shocked?  What are the first thoughts that race through your mind?  Maybe you think “I’m not ready to die”.  Maybe you think of your kids and spouse, they still need you in their lives.  Maybe you think of your parents and siblings.  Is it genetic?  Will someone else in my family hear those two dreaded words?  But stop.  Focus.  In your shocked state you have already missed part of what the doctor has said about treatment options.  And it sounds like the doctor is speaking a foreign language.  Chemotherapy, medications you’ve never heard of, surgery, life expectancy, possible long term side effects of treatments meant to save your life…  So much information that you have barely had a moment to process but yet you need to start making decisions because time is of the essence. 

Now imagine sitting somberly in your home, holding your spouse’s hand while you try to explain cancer to your young children.  You told your family earlier today, and you are still teary eyed and emotionally spent.  But your kids need to, deserve to, hear this news from you.  So, you sit them down and try to explain complicated medical terms at a young child’s level.  You try to reassure them that you will be ok but you will have a lot of doctor appointments, and may feel sick for a while.  Naturally, your kids are worried about you, and you would do anything to take that worry away and restore their innocence.  But life has dealt you a hand you didn’t expect, and you and your spouse are doing your best to hold it together for your kids.  You know your spouse is hurting, and scared, too but they won’t show it because they are trying to be strong for you.  Cancer.  It’s now a topic in your house that no one wants to think about, but it’s all everyone is thinking about. 

Over the next few days you start to wrap your mind around what’s happening and your fear turns into resolve.  I will fight this.  I will win this.  You know it’s going to be a marathon, not a sprint, and a difficult one at that.  But you have to do this.  For your spouse, for your kids, for your family, for YOU.  You put your game face on, it’s time to battle.  But there’s one more thing you have to do….

Now imagine you have to tell….the world.  The entire world now knows of your medical diagnosis and treatment plan.  Not only the people closest to you that you chose to tell, the ENTIRE WORLD.  Let that sink in for a moment… 

After being diagnosed with cancer you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.  You are fighting for your tomorrow while hoping there will be one.  You tell everyone you’re “fine” when nothing is further from the truth because you feel awful, tired, weak, and scared.  You hold on to all those dreams you have made for your future, and you fight for that future, but in the silence you wonder if you’re just fooling yourself. You wonder if fate has other plans, and for a second you wonder what would happen to your family if you weren't there...

This is a raw and real post about what I, and many cancer patients, have gone through in the days following a cancer diagnosis.  Things start happening so quickly that it seems surreal.  You spend your days taking treatments and trying to maintain some normality for your kids because you don’t want them to worry any more than they already are.  But at least the scary possibilities aren’t posted all over every news source and every social media platform, right? 

A cancer diagnosis is not easy for anyone, no matter who you are, and I would never minimize the experience of any cancer patient. Hopefully sharing my story will simply bring a little more awareness to those blessed to never have heard those two little words, “it’s cancer”.  And hopefully my simple post will humbly bring a little respect, privacy, and compassion to those fighting a battle they never wanted whether they are battling in private or on a global stage.    

--- FHL